Championship Round

So I've been taking a break from the internets in honor of the first week of my last semester as a lazy ass college student. I know you clowns are itching have been itching for me to drop all this time. Well I'm here to make your dreams come true, five minutes before the kickoff of the AFC Championship. Without further ado, I'll get started:

San Diego @ New England: So I'll take the heat for what I said last weekend about the Chargers. Fuck it, I'm glad to see the Colts get knocked off. Credit Rivers, Tomlinson, Merriman and Co. for bouncing back after a mostly unimpressive showing the previous week against a significantly inferior Titans team at home. This team is playing with swagger despite being banged up at several key positions, including quarterback.

All that said, you don't go from So. Cal up to Foxboro in the winter and get a win. Belichick, Brady, and Moss aside - I'm sorry, you just don't. This Charger squad has a lot of confidence right now, as evidenced in their press conferences, but all the factors point against them. Gates, Rivers, and Tomlinson are all playing hurt. The Patriots have not lost a playoff game at home since my father was my age (you can try to do the math if you want). As Anthony Smith from Pittsburgh will tell you, antagonizing this team in the media interviews does not do much to help. Last, but not least, I just don't think the Chargers can score with the Patriots the way their offense is designed. If they want to make it close, they'll get plenty of pressure on Brady with Merriman and the front four, force a couple turnovers and hope for the best.

Pick: Patriots

New York @ Green Bay: I'm sorry Dad. I'm sorry Mizzle. I hadn't bought into this Eli Manning thing. I've watched a lot of Giants football over the years and seen some of the disappointment you guys have suffered. I've seen you get excited year in and year out just to see you get burnt by a Tiki Barber fumble, a Jeremy Shockey dropped pass, a Trey Junkin choke job, or mediocre quarterback play. Of all the years for the team to come together, I never thought this would be the one.

Brett Favre could not be more en vogue right now. A Brady-Favre G.O.A.T. duel for the title is being considered almost a foregone conclusion. I myself am guilty of sleeping on the Giants, having picked against them each of the past two weeks. But I've watched them closely in both games. I like the way the front seven can get after the passer and react to the run. Manning has played efficiently within himself and stepped up to make plays when necessary. Although this team doesn't stomp their opponents, they play their game and find a way to win. Green Bay has played some impressive football over the course of the season, but haven't faced a pass rush as good and linebackers as versatile as Torbor, Pierce, and Mitchell. I genuinely believe that they can cause havoc for Favre and take him out of his rhythm to the point where he goes back to playing his typical, mistake-prone ball. After looking stupid two weeks in a row, I think I can take a chance on picking Coughlin's happy little children on the road.

Pick: Giants

Friday.

So it's Friday. The end of another week. I'm exceptionally giddy, though, because this was a week of getting up every day at the ass crack of dawn, and interacting with virtually no human beings except for my co-workers and whoever happened to be making the burritos at the crack house disguised as Q'doba. Right now, the plan is to throw back a couple and watch some football. Speaking of football, it's about that time again, so here are my picks for the divisional round:


Seattle @ Green Bay: Of the teams left alive, these are the two teams about which I know the least. Not only are they in the overall unimpressive National Football Conference, but if both of their regional markets were blown off the Earth in acts of nuclear warfare tomorrow, I'm sure I wouldn't find out about it til next Wednesday or Thursday (don't get any ideas, you sick fucks). That said, I think that being a Brett Favre dickrider is a pre-requisite of any type of sports media job these days.

The Pack is coming off of a bye week, and the Seahawks are coming off of a decent home win in the first round of the playoffs. Favre has had a season good for the Packers to be the second in passing offense behind the anomaly that is Tom Brady. The running game has come on late with Ryan Grant, who is on the rando averaging 5.1 yds/rush. Seattle really can't run the ball, as Shawn Alexander has fallen off harder after '05 than the Houston hip-hop scene. No Mike Jones. Hasselbeck is a pretty accurate quarterback, but I just don't think the Seattle receivers will find many openings against an impressive Green Bay secondary. Basically, the only way Seattle will win this weekend at Lambeau is if The Great Brett Favre comes back cold and throws six INTs to Marcus Trufant. Trust me, this is not out of the question.

Pick: Packers


Jacksonville @ New England: So I've taken a lot of flack for my stanmanship of the Patriots in this earlier post. To be honest, though, I really like this Jags team. They play tough and physical on both sides of the ball, and they have the best running back tandem in the league in Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew. Even though he didn't have a good game on paper, quarterback David Garrard showed last weekend that he is a warrior and will do what it takes to get a win. Their defensive line will shut down whatever pathetic running game the Pats can muster up and they will make their way to Brady at least once or twice. I expect this to be a tough game, and part of me would love to see an upset.

That said, we're talking about Belichick. We're talking about Brady. We're talking about Gillette Stadium, where the Patriots have not lost in the playoffs ever. We're talking about a 16-0 team with a chip on its shoulder and a chance to make history. Even with all that aside, if the Patriots play their game and get ahead by two scores, the Jags running game is rendered pretty much obsolete. As much as I love Jack Del Rio from his days with Ravens, and the character of this Jaguars team, I just don't see it happening. It's not impossible, but it's improbable.

Pick: Patriots


New York @ Dallas: I was disappointed when I saw PTI every day this week and didn't hear Wilbon or Kornheiser refer to this game as the Jessica Simpson Bowl, because all people want to talk about is how the quarterback went to Mexico with this broad. I feel you, Tony. What better way to clear your head after an atrocious week 17 game against the Redskins? Fuck the haters, real talk.

The other silly thing that people want to talk about is whether Eli Manning is the real deal after playing two halfway decent games in a row. I have to say that I doubt it. Props to dude for getting his first career playoff win last Sunday (but fuck him for ruining my otherwise 4 for 4 picks last weekend), but I'm not ready to Saint him just yet.

The most important storyline of this game on the sneak is Terrell Owens' injury. Quite honestly, i think that if T.O. is anywhere near 100%, the G-men have very little chance to hang around. If he doesn't, then it gets interesting. Regardless, I give the edge to the Cowboys because they're at home, and because, most importantly, Jessica has said that she will miss the game.

Pick: Cowboys

San Diego @ Indianapolis: LaDanian and crew almost let me down last weekend after I picked the Chargers to win big in San Diego. Tomlinson didn't look motivated, and they let an inferior Tennessee team hang around pretty much the whole game. This is going to get them run out of the fucking stadium in Indianapolis. As much as I hate the Indianapolis Mannings, I will admit that they have not been getting the amount of love that a 13-3 squad and reigning Super Bowl champion deserves.

Tony Dungy vs. Norv Turner. Peyton Manning vs. Phillip Rivers. I am at a loss for coming up with any scenario under which this game will be close.

Pick: Colts

(I know, I know, I picked all of the favorites, and that's no fun. But I end up where I end up. The most tempting upset is Manning in the Jessica Bowl, but by doing that I would be encouraging this bitchmade gossipers to talk about more NFL quarterbacks and their girlfriends like high school girls. And I refuse to do that on general principle. So far I'm a halfway decent 3-1 in the playoffs, so we'll see how this turns out.)

Street ballin'

So I'm fighting the ongoing battle of keeping myself entertained til Sunday, when all my people come back to town. For the most part, I'm losing miserably (why else would I be posting here?). But tonight browsing YouTube I temporarily hit the fucking jackpot.

Most people who know me know that I've been a huge AND1 mixtape stan for years. Between the ridiculous cross-overs that break all of the rules in normal basketball, the insane alley-oop dunks, Duke Tango going nuts, motherfuckers breaking out hilarious dance moves in the middle of the games, and the onlookers running wildly on the court (arguably the best part), I find myself fiendin' for these videos like the most potent crack. If I wasn't careful I could literally burn countless hours of my busy life watching them.

I've posted here a treat for your viewing pleasure. This is a mix made by some rando on the internets featuring the illest AND1 OG, Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston. He now plays point guard for the mediocre Houston Rockets, but he years ago he was a wonder on the mixtape scene. This dude literally does things with a basketball that I never could've imagined. Nullus.

EDIT: This blogger site is gay so unfortunately I couldn't post the video. But don't be lazy and click the stupid link. You won't regret it.

YouTube - Rafer Alston aka Skip 2 My Lou

The Wire: Episode 51

So your man is back in StL, officially serving his week of solitary confinement. As excited as you are to know that you will have a post to look forward to here every day this week, I'm a little less than thrilled to spend the next five days in my apartment alone, holding my dick (and that's when I'm not sitting at a desk getting paid with your parents' tax money to do the same thing). I spent all of last night watching basic cable and talking to people online like it was a weeknight in middle school again (come on, don't front).

I actually saw this episode several days ago at my Mom's house when it appeared on ondemand, because I knew I wouldn't have access to HBO where I'm at. I thought about discussing it then, but I knew a lot of people hadn't seen it yet and I didn't want to spoil anything. Unfortunately, my $160,000+ brain has failed to retain a lot of plot of the episode, so this will be watered down from what you might have read here if I had written last Thursday when it was still fresh in my mind. My bad. I am (clearly) not a journalist nor a TV critic, so I'm just going to post some of my thoughts as though you give a shit (Note: I've revealed several plot details, so if you haven't seen the episode and you're one of those people who acts all pissy when people ruin the suspense, I suggest you stop reading NOW):

- The press? Really? The Baltimore Sun? Season 1 focused on the cops and the legal system; season 2 was about the streets and the drug trade; season 3 centered around the politicians and legislators, and season 4 dealt with the kids and the school system. Compared to those four things, do I really care about how the shitty Baltimore Sun gets written? I know David Simon is a journalist, so I'm sure he finds it interesting, but I can't lie; I'm disappointed that this is the theme that they used for, of all seasons, the final one. Throw me a bone here Ed and Dave (nullus); at least you could have made that hispanic reporter chick hot.

- That scene with the police officers fighting was pretty retarded, if still entertaining due to comedic value.

- Carcetti is really fucking up as mayor - first not caring enough about the schools to jeopardize ground in his future gubernatorial campaign by taking money from the state (toward the end of last season), then taking money away from law enforcement because he now cares about the schools. And he's running for governor in two years? Is that supposed to be a joke? (As a side note: the way law enforcement is portayed on the show is very honorable for the most part, and I know that there are some cops in the City of Baltimore who do a great job for very little money and recognition. Props to them. But if law enforcement is so high in demand that they can't pay enough officers to stay on the streets, then why do so many bitchmade officers harass my brother, friends and I? I guess there are two sides to every story, huh?)

- Dukie is Michael's weed carrier if I've ever seen one (which I have). And more. Nullus. He was apparently fucking up on the corner, so now instead he is on full-time babysitting duty for Mike's brother, Bug. I guess they suggest that there might be some tension with the decision at the end, but Duke seemed pretty tame about it. I guess he kinda owes Michael after dude let him move in last season - not to mention the fact that he got swole on Namond for trying to pick on him.

- Marlo really must be a clever, conniving dude. I'll put 20 on him breaking up Prop Joe's little alliance this season.

- It looks like Bubbles really got his shit together! Relatively speaking, at least.

- I sure as fuck hope we haven't seen the last of Snitching Randy, soft ass Namond, and that other little kid with the braids who you saw stealing all those cars last season. Nullus for good measure.

Overall, I was a little disappointed by the episode. Especially after all the hype about this being the last season and all. But foundations for a lot of interesting plot lines were laid, so I don't doubt that it will pick up.

Who you rollin' wit?

So the Mizzle sent me a link to one of these candidate selector things. It's actually kind of interesting to dick around with, and figure out which candidate cares the most about the things you care about. Obviously it's limited in the sense that there are more issues with this presidency than can be covered in a 25-question survey (there's even one about slavery reparations, which I found strangely hilarious), but my patience and attention are at a premium. Here are my results, in case you give a damn:

1. Theoretical Ideal Candidate (100%)
2. Barack Obama (77%)
3. Christopher Dodd (withdrawn) (77%)
4. Ron Paul (72%)
5. Dennis Kucinich (71%)
6. Al Gore (not announced) (68%)
7. Alan Augustson (campaign suspended) (65%)
8. Wesley Clark (not running, endorsed Clinton) (65%)
9. Mike Gravel (63%)
10. John Edwards (62%)
11. Michael Bloomberg (says he will not run) (62%)
12. Hillary Clinton (61%)
13. Kent McManigal (campaign suspended) (59%)
14. Bill Richardson (57%)
15. Joseph Biden (withdrawn) (56%)
16. Elaine Brown (38%)
17. Rudolph Giuliani (37%)
18. Tommy Thompson (withdrawn, endorsed Giuliani) (37%)
19. Chuck Hagel (not running) (36%)
20. John McCain (35%)
21. Mitt Romney (34%)
22. Newt Gingrich (says he will not run) (29%)
23. Tom Tancredo (withdrawn, endorsed Romney) (29%)
24. Sam Brownback (withdrawn, endorsed McCain) (28%)
25. Alan Keyes (27%)
26. Fred Thompson (26%)
27. Jim Gilmore (withdrawn) (26%)
28. Mike Huckabee (25%)
29. Duncan Hunter (23%)
30. Stephen Colbert (campaign halted) (22%)

2008 NFL wild card playoffs

I couldn't stay away from writing about sports. Sorry. Here are my picks for this weekend. Sorry they're kinda late. I'll do a little bit of analysis, but I know you've been hearing the talking heads on the networks break these games down ad nauseam, so I'll keep it brief.

Washington @ Seattle: the Seahawks had the easiest schedule of any team to make the playoffs after playing in by far the NFL's worst division. The Redskins have won four straight and four out of five since the death of their star safety. That said, they have a 36-year-old backup playing quarterback. With few exceptions, back ups are back ups for a reason. He's played well in the last four games, but in the playoffs, on the road with an exceptionally hostile crowd? I wouldn't bet on it.

Pick: Seahawks

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh: arguably the most interesting game of the weekend. Pittsburgh plays at home, which is a big advantage, given the shittiness of Heinz Field. The Steelers have one of the top defenses in the NFL and can force game-changing turnovers. However, if David Garrard has shown one thing, it's that he can manage the game well and not turn it over. Also, the Steelers have key players injured on both sides of the ball. It's a tough call to pick a visiting team against the playoff-tested Steelers, but I think the Jags can pull off the win in a close game.

Pick: Jaguars

New York Giants @ Tampa Bay: the second most intriguing game of the weekend, for a number of reasons. Eli Manning and the Giants have made the playoffs in each of the last two seasons (on the sneak), but have gone winless in those contests. As a matter of fact, I don't believe they have won a playoff game since their 41-0 romp of the Vikings in '01 (can anybody tell me what happened the next time they took the field?). They showed they could hang on the field with New England until the fourth quarter, but they nicked themselves up in the process. The Buccaneers are 9-7 in a bullshit division, and the G-Men are 10-6 in one of the toughest divisions in the league. I really think this one could go either way, but I personally can't bring myself to trust lil' Manning on the road in a big game.

Pick: Buccaneers

Tennessee @ San Diego: the young, playoff inexperienced Titans are on the road. Vince Young and Lendale White are both hurt. Vince Young is Vince Young. Their backup is Kerry Collins. The Chargers have LaDanian Tomlinson, who has a chip on his shoulder from the last home playoff game he lost. The Chargers no longer have Marty Schottenheimer on the sidelines. Need I say mo'? If the Titans stack the box and put the game in the hands of unjustifiably conceited Phillip Rivers, then maybe, just maybe, it can be close. Either way, the Vince Young/Kerry Collins is turning the ball over at least three times. And if you do that in the playoffs on the road against a team with a great rushing attack, you might as well rest Albert Haynesworth for the Pro Bowl.

Pick: Chargers

My bad

I chose the wrong day to take a break from my responsibility as one of the most sought out and respected opinions on the internets. A lot has gone down since my last post on January 3rd. Most notably, the endorsement of the "new guard" (read younger than 50, non-white candidate) of the democratic party by one of the nation's oldest, whitest states. I can't really say I'm as informed about politics as, say, bootlegging rap music, but I'm going to make a point to pay a little more attention to this election. Because I know that my exceptionally influential voice will have the power to sway the election at a critical point, I'm going to wait until then to publicly endorse a candidate.

2008 NBA All-Star Game: my votes

East

forwards - Kevin Garnett, LeBron James (close calls: Chris Bosh, Caron Butler)

guards - Jason Kidd, Dwyane Wade (close calls: Michael Redd, Ray Allen, Gilbert Arenas)

center - Dwight Howard (no one even close)

West

forwards - Carlos Boozer, Tim Duncan (close calls: Dirk Nowitzki, Carmelo Anthony, Al Jefferson)

guards - Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul (close calls: Steve Nash, Deron Williams, Baron Davis, Allen Iverson)

center - Chris Kaman (close calls: Amare Stoudemire, Yao Ming)

Explanations
As you can see, I don't choose based on the five traditional positions on the court. I just pick the most deserving two forwards and guards from each conference, regardless of position. In other words, I'm not trying to build an actual team, I'm just trying to reward those who deserve recognition. So I don't care if I end up with two point guards, for example.

East:

Let me just start off by saying that I really wanted to vote for Chris Bosh as a result of his hilarious video. Had King James been listed as a guard, he almost certainly would have been my choice. I was also tempted to vote for Caron Butler because he plays for the Wizards, and occasionally people tell me I look like him. Nullus just in case. But KG and LeBrawn are the two no-brainers in this contest, so moving on...

Kidd is having a monster season, so he was an easy choice. I was pretty torn between Wade and Michael Redd, who I think is perennially underrated, but in the end I picked The Flash because he wins in just about every important category except three-point shooting. Ray Allen deserved an honorable mention because his team is 27-3, but he's the clear third option in Boston and his numbers show it. Agent 0 has only played in 8 games this season due to injury, but he's a Wizard soo...yeah.

Dwight Howard is playing out of his fucking mind. The East has not had a truly dominant center since the days of Patrick Ewing (no disrespect to Shaq, who spent his most dominant years in L.A.), but the athletic, ferocious-dunking Howard is really bringing the game back to the paint. The other guys aren't even worth considering for a second.

West:
Boozer is a motherfucking BEAST. He hurt his ankle in late November and his numbers took a slight dip, but before that he was on pace to average 25 ppg and 12 rpg. Tim Duncan has put up his typical rock solid stats despite injury problems. Nowitzki is always up there, but his numbers have dropped off from last season and he just doesn't seem like himself since the infamous playoff upset. Melo, my fellow Baltimoron is always a tempting vote (he is also the man in person, I met him a couple summers ago. No Stan), but I couldn't justify giving him the vote over Duncan. Al Jefferson is probably the most tempting choice of all of the snubs, but I just couldn't do it with the 'Wolves being 4-27.

Kobe is having a typical Kobe season, and the Lakers are 19-11, so no matter how much I despise him I couldn't round him out. The #2 guard spot was a bit tougher. I love Chris Paul's game, and I've also met him in person (dude is barely bigger than I am!). Don't get it twisted, though, his numbers definitely speak for themselves. Nash is incredible, but I voted for Paul because he actually plays defense. Deron Williams is also crazy wit it, but Paul is just a little better in almost every statistical category that's important for a point god. Baron Davis is having an impressive season, but I don't see enough there to change my mind. Same thing with future HOF-er AI, who does it year in and year out.

Chris Kaman is another NBA center who has been playing like some sort of crazed animal. He's averaging 14 rpg, which is good for second in the West behind Marcus Camby's 14.2. Yao has been putting up solid numbers, but his game is too soft for my liking, and he's passive on the boards (come on, man. 10.7 rpg at 7'6"?). Amare Stoudemire would be an intriguing candidate but for the fact that the man seems to do very little, except score.

So there you have it, goddamnit. If you don't like my choices, you can bitch about them in the comments section, or vote yourself.

Self-entertainment?

As fate would have it, I have a mandatory training session for my job on Jan 7th, so I'm flying back into StL on the night of the 6th. Class doesn't start until the week of the 14th so I'm expecting very few people to be around to hang out, which sucks. I'm working during the day, but at night I'm expecting to pretty much be in solitary confinement in my apartment with the heat fucking blasting. Basically, I'm gonna need ways to pass the time, other than typing on this retarded excuse for a blog. Tomorrow I'm looking to hit the mall or some other place of commerce to pick up books, movies, tv shows etc. to keep me from jumping off the roof. Post any suggestions you have, keeping in mind that I essentially have the sense of humor of a 12-year old and a low tolerance for anything that requires any real intelligence to process.

Celebrate the new year!

ESPN: Billick, entire Ravens coaching staff dismissed following 5-11 season

Happy new year, everyone. I know mine is. My team is ridding itself of the overrated, overpaid, underperforming talking head known as Brian Billick. It took the completion of a 5-11 season - the second worst in team history - for owner Steve Bisciotti to realize it, while informed Ravens fans have known for years that this self-proclaimed "offensive genius" and "quarterback expert" was a fraud. Credit Bisciotti, though; this move showed balls. Nullus. Billick's contract runs through the 2009 season and entitles him to over $15 mil between now and then. By making the right move, and not the cheap one, he showed that he's committed to winning in a way that can't be taken for granted among Baltimore-based team ownership.

It's true that Billick won a Super Bowl in his second year as head coach and the franchise's fifth year in Baltimore. But anyone with half a brain knew at the time that he was given much more individual credit than he was due. It was the team's all-time great defense that won them a world championship alongside an offense that actually went five straight games without a single touchdown, despite the fact the Billick was known from his time with Minnesota as an offensive strategist. Since then, the team has won exactly one playoff game in three postseason appearances, despite perennially high expectations. Even then, his blind, unwarranted arrogance was perhaps the most aggravating aspect of his reign as head coach. He is downright atrocious as a play-caller, and despite claiming to "know quarterbacks", the guys he has put long-term stock in have been the likes of Scott Mitchell, Chris Redman, and Kyle "Should've been a bowler" Boller. I could talk all day about reasons why I'm glad to see him gone, but ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli pretty much sums it up in this shameless ethering that literally brought a smile to my face.

Word on the street is that the leading candidate to replace Billick is Rex Ryan, who has been the Ravens' defensive coordinator since 2005. Some notable others that are being considered are Jason Garrett, the current offensive coordinator in Dallas, Josh McDaniels, the o-coordinator/QBs coach in New England, and Kirk Ferentz, the head coach at the University of Iowa. Naturally, I have opinions on all of these candidates and more, but I'll post more on this later.